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Waiter Jokes

21 May 2017 - Berkeley, CA

Curated from some book many years ago (not mine).

Waiter, what’s this fly doing in my soup?
Looks like the breast-stroke to me, sir.

Waiter, this soup tastes funny?
So why don’t you laugh?

Waiter, this coffee tastes like mud!
I’m not surprised, sir, it was ground only a few minutes ago.

Waiter, do you serve crabs?
Sit down, sir - we serve anyone.

Waiter, bring me tea without milk.
We haven’t any milk, sir. How about tea without cream?

Waiter, I’ll have a pork chop; no - make that a steak.
I’m a waiter, sir; not a magician!

Waiter, I asked for bread with my dinner.
It’s in the sausages, sir.

Waiter, there is a fly in my salad.
I’m sorry sir, I didn’t know that you are vegetarian.

Waiter, where is my honey?
She left last week, sir.

Waiter, there’s a fly swimming in my soup.
So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?

Waiter, what’s the meaning of this fly in my tea-cup?
I wouldn’t know, sir. I’m a waiter, not a fortune-teller.

Waiter, is this a lamb chop or a pork chop?
Can’t you tell by the taste?
No, I can’t.
Then what does it matter?

Waiter, how long have you been here?
Six months, sir.
Ah, then, it can’t be you who took my order.

Waiter, does the pianist play requests? Yes, sir.
Then ask him to play tiddlywinks until I’ve finished my meal.

Waiter, my bill please.
How did you find your luncheon, sir?
With a magnifying glass.

Waiter, waiter! Bring me a crocodile sandwich, and make it snappy!

Waiter waiter, there’s a fly in my soup!
Not to worry - he won’t last long in there.

My Own Stupid Non-waiter Joke

Me: I have a long-distance girlfriend.
Friend: Oh yea?
Me: Yea. I’m not sure what she looks like, though; she’s so far away the light of her image and sound of her voice haven’t reached me yet.

From Giri/Haji aka Duty/Shame

Rodney: Know what the secret to a long marriage is?
Kenzo: Shakes his head
Rodney: Don’t get divorced.

From Schitt’s Creek

Johnny Rose walks into Roland Schitt’s hotel room and leaves the door ajar. Roland says, “Close the door! You’re letting the flies out!”

I’ve got good news and bad news. The bad news is that there is no good news. –Twyla Sands, paraphrasing her step-dad from throughout her childhood.

What does a dog say before breakfast? Bone appétit! –Ivan, in S3:E7 “General Store”

From Small Town Murder

A drunk woman gets thrown out of a bar.
“Ma’am, you’re BANISHED!” yells the bartender.
“Even when I’m sober?” asks the drunk woman.

From This American Life, Ep. 735

Why did the nurse bring a red pen to work?
B/c he had to draw blood.

From This American Life, Ep. 738

Things I would like to see are answers to Big Questions: Is there intelligent life in this universe? There’s none on Earth. –Edward “Ed” Hacker (stepfather of Sean Cole, Journalist)